its the morning and i wrote this here you go also coffee is good and its a windy day also i was looking for pretty stock photos and i randomly found this jolly man eating a lollipop, but it was like a series, a bloody beautiful one that needed to be in my life and i think you deserve to see it too
conquiring consuming depraving and gruelling
red clouds my sight and covers my ears
everything i try to unlearn talks in silent night
a sweet voice that lulls me to sleep behind the dumpster
where the rats come to chew on my rotten intention
a defence mechanism which knows no bounds
silences inside a throat so down-filled with hate and poison and spit
even hearing that wicked voice taunts me in my dreams
footsteps incite panic and confusion
what did i do this time?
a question asked by the weary, when hurt seems to be
inevitable-intangibly real
never rest for that special time may come when fangs come out
Its currently 4:00 in the morning. 3:59 to be precise. A ‘rerun’ of Supernanny enthusiastically carries on in the background, making sure that I can concentrate solely on these deep, meaningful, profound thoughts…
The sky is a deep hue of blue green, a perfect gradient from dark to light, something you describe romantically, almost like its not real. A gift from some unknown known, some sort of …secret agent …who really loves you and wants you to be happy. I want to be happy too. Its already here, or so I’ve been told. The number 51 showed up just now! A new beginning? Will I create the life I’ve dreamed of since forever? I accept! I ACCEPT!
Yet theres still a tinge of anxiety, a shadow of doubt, this nagging nonsense that tugs at my stomache and gnaws at my insides! This spirit of the past that haunts me and confuses me! Oh raging prose and sappy humor! I want my future, and I want it now. Let me scream in self defiance! My future, now? It terrifies me. It terrifies me to no end. I want honesty on this blog, honesty of me, to me, me telling the truth to me, and the….world I suppose. Yes. That. The past seems to be like a black hole -once you get caught in the rift you can’t escape, can’t get out of that open ended question, that what if? that constantly hangs over your head like some kind of…weird hat. Yeah.
Don’t even get me started on the vast library of ideas my mind generates, that the majority of the time end up unused and forgotten! The projects that lay in waste, waiting for a chance to shine in the light of my art desk lamp again! All of these memories of a different time haunt me, surround me, fill every corner with the air I breath. It sometimes infuriates me, it sometimes brings me down -makes me think that all of my trials and tribulations are for naught. Some kind of …wall. A wall from the past, like the freakin great wall of china! A giant huge monument to a time when I was under attack -from myself! And now it lays, in wait of some great seige that won’t be stopped by a wall. Because you can always get around a wall. You just need the right tools.
Then I start to get a different look at things. A more…balanced look at things. These projects, these ideas, these memories from the past, they arent something to be feared -not something to cower from and hide. Its something to be celebrated! I had the courage to create, even when my life was not-so-great. Enough of me wanted to bring my creations to life, I was so determined to create something from scratch that I gritted my teeth and sat down and made something. Thats something to celebrate. Especially if you are struggling with mental or physical illness. So why do we scoff at failure, if its just a lesson that we end up learning? Thats what I’m having troubles with. Why am I so damn stubborn…why am I not just flat out honest with myself? I want to change. I want to be successful. I am change. I am successful.
It’s 5:37. The sky is a soft blue, the clouds are stretched thin between the sky. Now the breeze flows softly through the trees, but thats a guess. My body kinda aches, and its always a bit odd to start the day with no sleep, but I feel like I make more progress when I’m half asleep. It makes it impossible to wear the mask all day. I’m too exhausted to pretend to be someone I’m not, try again tomorrow. It’s sad I have to pretend anyway. Well, I dont have to pretend. Not at all. Not anymore. I deserve to show my true colors to the world. So do you. I want to lift you up, hold you to the light like some kind of glow in the dark putty, just let it become you, fuse with the truth.
Now It’s 8:08pm. I woke up after passing out with my laptop in bed, and woke up around 3 or 4. It’s how my schedules been lately, or moreso, my lack of schedule. I keep trying to take steps forward, but sometimes I come up short, empty handed, clueless on how to move forward with my adult life. The thing is, I know what I want. Or atleast I think I do. I want freedom. I want love. I want joy and happiness and adventure. I want to be my best self. Writing about it does help, and starting this blog was one of those steps forward that I’d actually taken. I just feel it. This is my time. I can do this and I will do this. Take me by the hand and guide me through this darkness.
I am light. You know how I was just talkin about that there great wall of china? I just saw a picture of it on my chromecast thing.
The howling of coyotes, wheat fields that stretched out for miles -hay bales decorate the landside. Frightened deer stare back when you catch them eating crabapples from a tree. A skunk wanders the meadow near the house. Grasshoppers whack into the steel sided garage, mistaking it for an empty field. You can hear frogs in the distance, singing the song of their people, joyfully relaxing near the edge of the lake. Gravel roads can’t help but cough up dust as cars creep down the street. An owl hoots lazily in the distance, distinguished and hidden from the human world, yet still existing in the same space, like some multidimensional being. You can make out the beginning of an argument from a house nearby. Fade to black.
Its taken me like 4 days to write this one post. I got so consumed by fear and laziness that my whole routine is messed up. I can’t be a bad ass future nugget if I can’t get up in the morning. I can’t save the world if I can’t even love myself. You would think loving yourself would be easy, right? The universe is definitely testing me right now. That makes me nervous. I feel like something big is coming. I need to be ready for it. I exist. I deserve to exist how I am. I suppose I just need to convince myself of that, right? Get away from my past. Thats not who I am. Now I need to prove it. Also I wanted to add this pretty picture.
this is random but yes that is a picture of Rhett from Good Mythical Morning. He is my mascot for this post! I edited a picture for this post, but I didnt like it so I’m using butt Rhett instead!
Its been a really weird week so far! I keep swinging on a pendulum, halfway between “LIFE IS AMAZING AND I CAN LIVE MY DREAMS” and “LIFE IS SCARY AND I WANT TO SINK INTO THE FOREST FLOOR!” Which is funny, and also kind of frustrating. It really makes me feel lucky for all of the opportunities I have been given, and the patience and productivity of the universe even though I have been a tad lazy lately. Anywho, todays post is going to be a little excerpt from my brain, but mostly talking about how hard it is to start something you’ve never really done before, and finding the courage to keep going regardless.
I get discouraged easily. Sometimes I get my feelings hurt when things go wrong, and then it makes me angry and frustrated, and thats when the negative voice in my head cues in and takes advantage of the situation. And thats when I start turning into….EVIL Trey. All the negative things that have happened to me swirl into my head, chanting my unworthiness and clouding my vision with fragments from the past. Its like a hang nail. You know you shouldnt mess with it, but if you don’t address it its just…THERE. ALWAYS! Painful and messy and irritating! Its so…exhausting. Like a scar that wont heal.
It makes me grateful for things like wordpress and youtube, because I can come on here and realize that I am not the only person on earth who feels how I feel. Sometimes I forget about the power of community. I havent thought a lot about the loneliness I deal with. I never like to talk about it much either, because of the stigma around being alone or lonely. And stigma can be dangerous because it exacerbates the problem and makes folks scared to talk about an important issue. That ends up not helping anyone! I don’t want to sound preachy, but if we ended the stigma behind issues like mental health and mental illness symptoms then people would be getting the help they needed without all the hassle!
Its real frustrating to see yourself struggle, to isolate yourself because of the fear of judgement. Its something I have a big problem with. I think it stems from being bullied as a kid, but we all get picked on when were young. I think it also has to do with trust. Trust in myself, trust in the universe, and trust in others. I certainly know that I trust the universe, or else I wouldnt be doing this, haha! I was so afraid to even just start this blog. Even writing this post has taken me a few days, just so I could get the ideas to flow the way I wanted. Isolation is a painful experience, and it only makes things like depression and anxiety worse, like a double edged sword, or a really pointy tooth-pick. I want to open a conversation about isolation, about being alone, or not having many friends so that I can show others that they arent alone. We should start to normalize loneliness, and normalize folks who have issues socializing or making friends, because that shit is hard.
Isolation also makes it easy to be taken advantage of. People know you’re lonely, or lack a support group, and it makes it easier for them to strike. Like energy suckers or narcissist. They sense that pang of emptiness within you, and take hold of it, like a noose around your neck. Its easier to get something from someone, or convince them of something you want when they have no one else to steer them in the right direction. It really bugs me. I know thats kind of stupid to say, “people are bad and it bugs me” but it DOES. Taking advantage of someones suffering is just not cool my man. I often find when I’m in a poor mood, or I’m noticably down, is when people strike, trying to convince me I’m less than, or I can’t do this or that, or even what to do and what not to do. Even when I’m at my best, theres still that voice or that persona whispering between my ears at how hard I’ll fall if I make a simple mistake. When you have no support system, everything seems like the truth. Even painful rumors and lies.
It makes you want to keep stacking bricks, keep building up that wall that you surround yourself with to protect from intruders. The wall may keep out others, but it also isolates you. Do I accept the pain of loving someone, or accept the pain of being alone? I would always pick love. Except I’m having some difficulties doing that. It’s so hard to trust, to speak truth, to be yourself, when with others you’ve done that exact thing, and its only ended in heartbreak. Its like unlearning years of self taught hate and avoidance, slowly chipping away at the brick that hides the outside world from your vision. Being in the moment enough to know that the wall is a lie and that you are capable of so much more than you could possibly imagine. Reminding yourself that the pain is just an illusion, and that the world needs your light, just as much as anyone else. Hinting at your potential. Whispering “It’s here, it’s here…”
Stars started to fall from the sky that night, blue green tails leaving chem-trails in the sky, reminders of loose strings and broken fragments of divinity. Flower petals patiently wait for winter, while sea green lichen grows over the past, suffocating negative energy that tried to dominate the garden of ego. Hummingbirds watch on, always buzzing with the winds of change, eager to assist in my elevation. Sunflowers double back, trying to muster every last bit of strength left to become the light. A robin is perched dutifully on a fence pole, waiting for the perfect opportunity to seize that fat worm wriggling under the dirt, a death dance worthy of an award. I twist and seize under the old skin thats grown over me, like a shield that does more damage than good. My fingers drag over the shell, that ever present shell of the past, and I feel that the time has come. Magpies fly overhead, sensing that something is about to happen. They wanted to be here for my re-birth. To cheer me on with their unique voice and wisdom. A blue feather flutters to the ground, and where it drops a flower blooms. My heart begins to pound, and a lump forms in my throat. Slowly, but surely, the skin cracks and deforms, like old plastic left out in the sun. I can finally feel the breeze again, smell the colors of a life lived blind. My hands reach out. The skin falls away, piece by piece, turning to dust as it does. It feels good to feel good. I look around with wonder. I’ve never experienced love like this before. Warmth fills up my body, a serene feel of peace, and the truth dawns on me. I’ve always been free.
First off, I just wanted to start and say THANK YOU! To all my readers and friends who have decided to support my journey here on wordpress. I finally got a couple views to my blog and I can’t help but explode with excitement. Seriously. I am so freakin excited to see that folks are enjoying my content! Thank you so much, I love you all! I can’t wait to see where this journey takes me! 🌈 💙
It’s almost 1 in the morning where I’m located, and today -err, yesterday I mean, my sleep schedule was way off whack. So I basically slept all day and woke up at midnight. Cool! It reminds me of when I was a vampire there for awhile. Who doesnt love a sexy slinkin’ vampire? Anywho, it inspired me, and then I was like…hey….what if I made a category called ‘midnight munchies’ for all of my midnight vampy hi-jinks? So here I am! I figured some weird story/poetry thing was fitting! And we begin!
Heres a little content warning before you read though, below has mention of self harm!
Freeing to be a thing of skin and bones with teeth and tongue and skin and hair, red blood pumps through a body system as ancient as the stars with wisdom hidden inside the code for life, code for death, code for shedding the skin and becoming something more than me. Has that scar always been there? It always reminds me of a time when I was someone else, trying to find the answers through self mutilation and cell destruction, abusive to the body that holds my spirit and anchors consciousness to a single source of being. How confusing to those above, watching on as family dissects itself with a grimey razor blade, held between shaky fingers covered in blood. Red is the freedom and the focus to feel between worlds, ignorant gives in to a solution that could never work, will never work again. Scars speaking a story that a broken voice refused to sing out, trembling in fear, within the confines of a human body. That version of me is gone, and now the scars are a history book, something to look back to when I remember a time I wanted nothing more than to exist in love and light, but blocked it with my own self hate. I love myself. These scars are a testament to my past, a singing statement of loving life so much that I survived the darkness within my soul, the devil version of myself that convinced me I was evil. I survived. I continue to survive. I celebrate these scars. I survived.
Love yall. If you struggle with self harm things get better. I havent cut in a long time. You rock. Nothings worth hurting your beautiful unique self. Have a fun song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPEEz8pEFn0
When the green woods laugh with the voice of joy, And the dimpling stream runs laughing by; When the air does laugh with our merry wit, And the green hill laughs with the noise of it.
Running into fate 
