Its currently 4:00 in the morning. 3:59 to be precise. A ‘rerun’ of Supernanny enthusiastically carries on in the background, making sure that I can concentrate solely on these deep, meaningful, profound thoughts…
The sky is a deep hue of blue green, a perfect gradient from dark to light, something you describe romantically, almost like its not real. A gift from some unknown known, some sort of …secret agent …who really loves you and wants you to be happy. I want to be happy too. Its already here, or so I’ve been told. The number 51 showed up just now! A new beginning? Will I create the life I’ve dreamed of since forever? I accept! I ACCEPT!
Yet theres still a tinge of anxiety, a shadow of doubt, this nagging nonsense that tugs at my stomache and gnaws at my insides! This spirit of the past that haunts me and confuses me! Oh raging prose and sappy humor! I want my future, and I want it now. Let me scream in self defiance! My future, now? It terrifies me. It terrifies me to no end. I want honesty on this blog, honesty of me, to me, me telling the truth to me, and the….world I suppose. Yes. That. The past seems to be like a black hole -once you get caught in the rift you can’t escape, can’t get out of that open ended question, that what if? that constantly hangs over your head like some kind of…weird hat. Yeah.
Don’t even get me started on the vast library of ideas my mind generates, that the majority of the time end up unused and forgotten! The projects that lay in waste, waiting for a chance to shine in the light of my art desk lamp again! All of these memories of a different time haunt me, surround me, fill every corner with the air I breath. It sometimes infuriates me, it sometimes brings me down -makes me think that all of my trials and tribulations are for naught. Some kind of …wall. A wall from the past, like the freakin great wall of china! A giant huge monument to a time when I was under attack -from myself! And now it lays, in wait of some great seige that won’t be stopped by a wall. Because you can always get around a wall. You just need the right tools.
Then I start to get a different look at things. A more…balanced look at things. These projects, these ideas, these memories from the past, they arent something to be feared -not something to cower from and hide. Its something to be celebrated! I had the courage to create, even when my life was not-so-great. Enough of me wanted to bring my creations to life, I was so determined to create something from scratch that I gritted my teeth and sat down and made something. Thats something to celebrate. Especially if you are struggling with mental or physical illness. So why do we scoff at failure, if its just a lesson that we end up learning? Thats what I’m having troubles with. Why am I so damn stubborn…why am I not just flat out honest with myself? I want to change. I want to be successful. I am change. I am successful.
It’s 5:37. The sky is a soft blue, the clouds are stretched thin between the sky. Now the breeze flows softly through the trees, but thats a guess. My body kinda aches, and its always a bit odd to start the day with no sleep, but I feel like I make more progress when I’m half asleep. It makes it impossible to wear the mask all day. I’m too exhausted to pretend to be someone I’m not, try again tomorrow. It’s sad I have to pretend anyway. Well, I dont have to pretend. Not at all. Not anymore. I deserve to show my true colors to the world. So do you. I want to lift you up, hold you to the light like some kind of glow in the dark putty, just let it become you, fuse with the truth.
Now It’s 8:08pm. I woke up after passing out with my laptop in bed, and woke up around 3 or 4. It’s how my schedules been lately, or moreso, my lack of schedule. I keep trying to take steps forward, but sometimes I come up short, empty handed, clueless on how to move forward with my adult life. The thing is, I know what I want. Or atleast I think I do. I want freedom. I want love. I want joy and happiness and adventure. I want to be my best self. Writing about it does help, and starting this blog was one of those steps forward that I’d actually taken. I just feel it. This is my time. I can do this and I will do this. Take me by the hand and guide me through this darkness.
I am light. You know how I was just talkin about that there great wall of china? I just saw a picture of it on my chromecast thing.
The howling of coyotes, wheat fields that stretched out for miles -hay bales decorate the landside. Frightened deer stare back when you catch them eating crabapples from a tree. A skunk wanders the meadow near the house. Grasshoppers whack into the steel sided garage, mistaking it for an empty field. You can hear frogs in the distance, singing the song of their people, joyfully relaxing near the edge of the lake. Gravel roads can’t help but cough up dust as cars creep down the street. An owl hoots lazily in the distance, distinguished and hidden from the human world, yet still existing in the same space, like some multidimensional being. You can make out the beginning of an argument from a house nearby. Fade to black.
Its taken me like 4 days to write this one post. I got so consumed by fear and laziness that my whole routine is messed up. I can’t be a bad ass future nugget if I can’t get up in the morning. I can’t save the world if I can’t even love myself. You would think loving yourself would be easy, right? The universe is definitely testing me right now. That makes me nervous. I feel like something big is coming. I need to be ready for it. I exist. I deserve to exist how I am. I suppose I just need to convince myself of that, right? Get away from my past. Thats not who I am. Now I need to prove it. Also I wanted to add this pretty picture.
also the dragon image source is here! someone made them and did a fantastic job! https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/pictures/170000/nahled/dragon-head-i.jpg