“Outside The Wall”

All alone or in twos
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall

Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands
The bleeding hearts and the artists make their stand

And when they’ve given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall

Pink Floyd – Outside The Wall: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4ZlWEQ17ns

Its been a really weird week so far! I keep swinging on a pendulum, halfway between “LIFE IS AMAZING AND I CAN LIVE MY DREAMS” and “LIFE IS SCARY AND I WANT TO SINK INTO THE FOREST FLOOR!” Which is funny, and also kind of frustrating. It really makes me feel lucky for all of the opportunities I have been given, and the patience and productivity of the universe even though I have been a tad lazy lately. Anywho, todays post is going to be a little excerpt from my brain, but mostly talking about how hard it is to start something you’ve never really done before, and finding the courage to keep going regardless.

I get discouraged easily. Sometimes I get my feelings hurt when things go wrong, and then it makes me angry and frustrated, and thats when the negative voice in my head cues in and takes advantage of the situation. And thats when I start turning into….EVIL Trey. All the negative things that have happened to me swirl into my head, chanting my unworthiness and clouding my vision with fragments from the past. Its like a hang nail. You know you shouldnt mess with it, but if you don’t address it its just…THERE. ALWAYS! Painful and messy and irritating! Its so…exhausting. Like a scar that wont heal.

It makes me grateful for things like wordpress and youtube, because I can come on here and realize that I am not the only person on earth who feels how I feel. Sometimes I forget about the power of community. I havent thought a lot about the loneliness I deal with. I never like to talk about it much either, because of the stigma around being alone or lonely. And stigma can be dangerous because it exacerbates the problem and makes folks scared to talk about an important issue. That ends up not helping anyone! I don’t want to sound preachy, but if we ended the stigma behind issues like mental health and mental illness symptoms then people would be getting the help they needed without all the hassle!

Its real frustrating to see yourself struggle, to isolate yourself because of the fear of judgement. Its something I have a big problem with. I think it stems from being bullied as a kid, but we all get picked on when were young. I think it also has to do with trust. Trust in myself, trust in the universe, and trust in others. I certainly know that I trust the universe, or else I wouldnt be doing this, haha! I was so afraid to even just start this blog. Even writing this post has taken me a few days, just so I could get the ideas to flow the way I wanted. Isolation is a painful experience, and it only makes things like depression and anxiety worse, like a double edged sword, or a really pointy tooth-pick. I want to open a conversation about isolation, about being alone, or not having many friends so that I can show others that they arent alone. We should start to normalize loneliness, and normalize folks who have issues socializing or making friends, because that shit is hard.

Isolation also makes it easy to be taken advantage of. People know you’re lonely, or lack a support group, and it makes it easier for them to strike. Like energy suckers or narcissist. They sense that pang of emptiness within you, and take hold of it, like a noose around your neck. Its easier to get something from someone, or convince them of something you want when they have no one else to steer them in the right direction. It really bugs me. I know thats kind of stupid to say, “people are bad and it bugs me” but it DOES. Taking advantage of someones suffering is just not cool my man. I often find when I’m in a poor mood, or I’m noticably down, is when people strike, trying to convince me I’m less than, or I can’t do this or that, or even what to do and what not to do. Even when I’m at my best, theres still that voice or that persona whispering between my ears at how hard I’ll fall if I make a simple mistake. When you have no support system, everything seems like the truth. Even painful rumors and lies.

It makes you want to keep stacking bricks, keep building up that wall that you surround yourself with to protect from intruders. The wall may keep out others, but it also isolates you. Do I accept the pain of loving someone, or accept the pain of being alone? I would always pick love. Except I’m having some difficulties doing that. It’s so hard to trust, to speak truth, to be yourself, when with others you’ve done that exact thing, and its only ended in heartbreak. Its like unlearning years of self taught hate and avoidance, slowly chipping away at the brick that hides the outside world from your vision. Being in the moment enough to know that the wall is a lie and that you are capable of so much more than you could possibly imagine. Reminding yourself that the pain is just an illusion, and that the world needs your light, just as much as anyone else. Hinting at your potential. Whispering “It’s here, it’s here…”